Shark week is upon us, so what better time than ever to debunk some myths about sharks that really grind my gears. The truth is, I used to be a shark.
Of all the animals in the galaxy, none is more misunderstood than the modern shark. And let me be clear, I do mean this to be about the modern shark. The prehistoric shark is very well understood; don’t even try to come at me with that crap. I have a freaking, nay, fucking college degree in this field, bucko. So listen up.
I wrote this piece to clear up some of the most common misconceptions about our friends down undah’; and I don’t mean Australians! Although, now that I think about it, some sharks are technically Australian. In that case, I am in fact referring to those Australian sharks. I am losing my train of thought. Let me refocus.
In case you’re ever at a dinner party with a table full of shark biologists (more likely than you might think), you can refer to this handy guide so that you don’t say anything embarrassing. Thank you for reading and have a great dinner party.
Sharks are violent meat eaters.
I can’t tell you how often I end up rolling my eyes, face palming, or otherwise showing my dissatisfaction when I hear people bring up this myth. I’ve screamed myself hoarse about it once, and I’ll scream myself hoarse about it again, Sharks do not eat meat! Even the mightiest sharks in the ocean, The Great Wide Shark, do not eat meat. Their diet consists mostly of seaweed, tap water, and medieval suits of armor found in ship wrecks.
Sharks have no sense of humor.
This could not be further from the truth. Sharks actually have some of the most advanced comedic timing in the entire animal kingdom; and that’s including warthogs. When they aren’t exploring the great expanses of the ocean, sharks are almost always playing practical jokes on one another. They draw dicks on each other when they pass out at parties and are also known to unscrew the top of a salt shaker so that the next shark that uses it spills salt everywhere. This has led some (me) to dub them “The John Leguizamo” of the sea.
Sharks are disloyal.
Simply false. Treat a shark right, and it will be the most loyal friend you ever had. This is why people born under the Zodiac Sign for Shark (August 1st-15th) are known as really great amigos. Did you ever wonder where the phrase “As devoted as a shark” comes from? This is where it comes from. I swear to God, dude.
Being a shark is a choice.
Oh, okay. So I guess my cousin Tony, who was born right out of the gate with rows of razor sharp teeth and a dorsal fin is making a “lifestyle choice”? You’re a bigot. Did you know that most of the people who hate sharks turn out to be closet sharks? Also, the New Testament doesn’t say shit about sharks so you can fuck right off with that argument.
A Shark can regrow its head.
I have to laugh at this one. Who thinks up this stuff? Probably started as an old wives tale. While it is true that a shark can regrow its entire ass, there is simply no evidence to suggest that it can grow a new head. It would be a neat party trick, though! 🙂
Sharks are only in it for the money.
I am so sick of this. Do you have any idea how hard sharks work? They get paid basically nothing to sit in a classroom all day and have to deal with a bunch of- I’m thinking of teachers aren’t I?
Sharks are fascinating creatures.
While many misconceptions surround the topic of sharks, they are not in and of themselves fascinating. Yes, they can swim for a hella long time and breathe underwater, but who cares? The problem with sharks is that they are just not that interesting. Later, skater.