10 Post-Pregnancy Body Changes Everyone Neglects To Share

As many women may already know, pregnancy causes a womans body to go through some strange, and even mysterious changes.

What sort of changes? Don’t be surprised to hear yourself saying, “Where did that nipple hair come from?” in the months to follow. The post-pregnancy body is a rare topic of discussion because women feel ashamed of the havoc it wreaks on their bodies. There was the time that US Weekly and Life & Style magazines both had covers featuring an (obviously) airbrushed celebrity mom in a bikini, hand on hip: “HOW I GOT MY BODY BACK!

We are still waiting on a reply to see where her body ever went in the first place and if it was considerate enough to at least send a postcard.

10 Post-Pregnancy Body Changes Everyone Neglects To Mention

I am going to be honest with all of you, some strange and downright mysterious things happen to the female body after giving birth, and we think everyone should know actually know what to expect.

After reading these 10 post-pregnancy body changes for women, you will feel two strong emotions. One will be overwhelming gratefulness for hearing about this beforehand so you are prepared, and the other; wishing that the stork was doing deliveries again.

11Get ready for a dry spell…

If you decide to breastfeed, than good for you! You can expect your vagina to have something in common with the Sahara Desert. And no, I am not talking about Dung Beetles setting up shop down there. Not usually, at least.

10Dark Line Like A Football On Your Stomach

A dark line will form down the middle of your stomach during the pregnancy, which will make you look as if you will burst at the seams late in the pregnancy.

The good news is that it will eventually go away, but it will take a few months after the pregnancy before that even begins to happen. On a more positive note, vertical stripes are slimming!

9Blood… blood everywhere!

Postnatal bleeding can last for weeks — like six to eight, even — and tampons are a no-no, so don’t throw on those white jeans just yet.

8No pain… no gain in the bedroom.

No one ever talks about their first few glamorous months in the bedroom after the pregnancy, which is something I have always found odd.

What isn’t there to be desired from post-childbirth sex which is excrutiatingly painful for up to a year after the baby has left the building which your partner is trying to cram “stuff” into?

It took me nine months before I could enjoy things getting hot and steamy in the bedroom after my first child.

So you may want to brush up on your “O” face in the mirror and practice moaning sounds to make sure you play a convincing role.

7Gallons of cranberry juice will be consumed for UTI’s

It is a fact that Post-pregnancy urinary tract infections are common… even more common than they are normally.

That means if you get them already, keep the Cranberry Juice flowing… Thanks, urinary catheter!

6You will become quite close with your nurse(s), potty pals some might say

Speaking of urine… in the hospital, a nurse will have to accompany you to the bathroom just to assist with the peeing process. Check your pride and humility at the bathroom door.

5Your Hair Falls Out… but where?

That luscious hair you grew during pregnancy? Yeah, it falls out, leaving you with nothing but a few unruly wisps around the face.

Aren’t you glad everyone comes equipped with at least one camera to visit you in the hospital after you have had your baby? What better time than this for a family photo?

4You have a growth spurt… in shoe size

Your feet may grow. Permanently. Which is awesome when you already wore GARGANTUAN SIZE 9 SHOES. *Ahem* Not that I know anything about that.

3Your Breasts Begin Spontaneously Springing Leaks

After my first baby, I did not know that my breasts would spontaneously spring a leak — sometimes a very BIG leak — just from talking or thinking about my baby. This of course led to quite the awkward conversation between my male Starbucks Barista which of course brought the conversation to how great having kids is.

2Your mood will take more swings than a blind kind at little league practice

You underestimate the power of post-pregnancy hormones. I don’t care what you say, unless you have been there, you have no clue. It is like when a Jedi first harnesses the power of the force, except that the force is just full of mood swings and lots of crying.

After your hormone levels take a drop precipitously the very minute your baby is born and the placenta is expelled. And if that didn’t jump-start your appetite, then you should know that this is because the placenta was the hormone production factory for the body.

So not only can the placenta being expelled from your body cause severe mood swings and depression, it will also make you think that dying your hair fire engine red is a good idea. *throat clearing* Not that I would know anything about that, though. My least favorite thing about my new hair style was easily the four days I spent lying on the floor next to the crib, sobbing my eyes out over my poor decision (to dye my hair, not to have the baby).

If you already suffer from a psychiatric disorder, your pregnancy is something you will want to take very seriously, because the psychiatric effects can be extreme.

So, where were we again?

Oh yeah, those are 10 Post-Pregnancy body changes everyone neglects to share.

Make sure you share this article with your family and friends so you can all laugh and/or cry together… Because after all, it’s the families that can cry together that stay together… or is it laugh? Regardless, I am sure you will be doing plenty of both after the pregnancy!

I’m a writer based out of East Village, Manhattan. I work from my condo and local coffee shops (and a few restaurants with menus that are more unhealthy than licking a subway railing), meeting friends who have boats or boat access, touring the zoo for the zoo to visit my ex-boyfriends, and forcing my political beliefs on others at social events (kidding, don’t be one of those people.